When I was five years old I knew about the concept of God, but didn’t care. When I was ten I knew more about him than my schoolmates did. But I didn’t think about it.
Aged 15
When I was twelve I’d seen my mother having sex with a stranger. Been obscenely touched by that man’s friend. My father was dead, and suddenly I was living on my grannie’s farm until I was grown up. During those years I started asking myself, and life, a lot of questions. I also learnt to appreciate the friendship of animals.
One of the most asked question in my mind is this one: Why do I believe in A God? No-one in my family projected this kind of attitude when I was growing up. No-one ever talked about faith in my childhood. Nor did I turn to him for solace of any kind.
I cannot remember a time when I didn’t believe that there was “a creative omnipotent awareness” outside and inside space time continuum.
It is true that I am a naivé person, and rather simple minded. I still can grasp and redevelop any kind of philosophy or programming algorithm. I can work with any kind of knowledge crossing my path. But naivé when it comes to understanding other people, their desires, decptive abilities, superficiality and of course: Totally unable to understand the female mind.
A friend heard me state this recently. He is someone who has worked a lot with people and finds it easy to see where they’re coming from and going too. He remarked that he knew no-one faster at grasping complicated ideas, delving into them even faster, and then come up with a twist in a simple and unique way.
I have no idea what he means. I think philosophy, spiritually, and ideology, is entirely useless. I often envy people who know about superficial and shallow values, and are into simple activities. They have more friends. Or they seem to.
There was a time when I couldn’t tolerate silence. I had to have music or chatter in the environment. When I fell asleep at night, I listened to music. I had acute perception to ‘the other dimension’ and was often aware of shadows and movement where no-one saw anything. It was irritading, especially to someone sensitive with an active imagination.
My mother tells me that I was like this from early on. That I used to ‘see’ what others didn’t and that I had invisible playmates. I’ve forgotten about this, but I know that she’s right.
Aged 5
When I was fifteen I worked for a while with a middle aged man who helped me to understand and work with my psychic abilities.
If you placed playing cards – or Tarot – into my hands, showed me your palm, or an empied and dried cup of coffe, I could read it. Yes I had the ability to read other peoples fortune. By nineteen I had learnt to do much more than that.
But I couldn’t deal with silence. In silence my senses where heightened and I couldn’t have that. The world ‘on the other side’ didn’t interest me, not one bit. As the years went by I’ve met and known many persons with similar abilities as I had. Yes, had!
Since I was twenty I haven’t allowed those skills to grow. In fact I’ve done what I can to let them wither and dry up. Strange as it seems, every time a person with similar abilities gets to know me, he or she wants to know what I know and train same abilities to reach my – old – skills. I never get it. Don’t they understand what it entails?
There are mysteries, and facts, about the mystic realm not easily dealt with. There are realities, perceptions, and powers, out there not easily dealt with unless with skill and great care.
Every time – again and again – I can see when they’ve attracted something with their pracices not easily dealt with. When I tell them, they don’t believe me, they don’t want to. They want the power I possess, not the insight or the knowledge: Understanding and wisdom. I’m amazed, but shouldn’t be. I know that most people go to the doctor to be cured of their illness, but not to be cured of the reason for it.
Through the years I’ve grown to appreciate stillness and quiet. I’ve learnt to live with and appreciate life in a more diverse way than I believed possible when I was younger. If you’re ‘too much on the other side’, or on the instant gratification path, you won’t see the colours and colorful aspects to stillness. You won’t see the illumination of grand Tao.
I’ve reached a state of mind I’m not sure that I want. I can see other peoples psychological problems, from far off. I can see what haunts others, and I can see where they’re headed. I can see and enjoy what the blind cats don’t see – if you get my drift – and I’ve known how to work with the (commonly misunderstood) law of attraction for decades. I also know its pitfalls. I’ve even discovered what the fifth scroll of Go Rin No Sho is all about.
And today?
At 45 - or timeless.
In recent times I’m withdrawn from current times, from the circles of consumistic society. I live in eternal time. I’ve reached a point where I cannot easily share with others what life really is. I can see through illusions and deceptions. I live without dogma and embrace the stillness of timeless living. I love life, and it loves me: It taught me to live it and appreciate it’s quirkiness.
Sometimes I miss the me that I used to be: When I knew nothing and understood nothing.
When I enjoyed people for what they wanted to be seen as. Now I see people as they are, and they don’t like it, but I do. People are generally beautiful – but they don’t know it – so are chimps. People don’t like when you can see through their masks – even if you keep quiet about it – and particularly if they’re not aware of their own.
That’s the quirk.
