I have no idea why I chose not to be involved. I like to be involved and I like the idea that involvement brings more sex than not being involved. It sometimes does.
My last involvement was eight or nine months ago. Oh, I’ve had opportunities, wonderful, beautiful, and interesting opportunities. Of course I remember when I was last, but counting months has no meaning in timelessness. It’s simply useless. Hormonal acitivity often reminds you, you’re not getting any, and even sometimes when it reminds you it forgets to tell you that sometimes, even hours ago, you rejected a very nice option.
Not being involved, not pursuing another conquest, in the hope that the next one might become the one fulfilling most of my ideals about a partner, was a difficult decision to make. At the same time a very hard one to see through. Those hormonal arguments can be very persuasive.
Three years passing since my second relationship catastrophy, and those three years saw me active, until I stopped. I believe I’ve had seven or eight relationships in those three years. Yes they are quite many. Some of them stormy, others were quiet. Of course all the women involved are wonderful creatures. Of course all the relationships ended because of me. I accept full responsibility and praise all of them. Some of them are still friends, others have vanished into their own futures.
Nothing is really remarkable about this. Once you’re on the open market, being single, you meet new people and sometimes you fall in love. You try out a relationship and either it works out or it doesn’t. Nobody really cares. We are all looking for new partners, or most of us, and the only way to find a new partner is to be open to it. You open your doors to someone and when it doesn’t fulfill your needs you move on. One day you stumble upon someone who is simply the one you need, whether you like it or not.
I have been like everyone else, doing the same dance as we all do in this respect. Now that I’ve rejected some of my partners, and indeed some have rejected me, there are no bad feelings involved. I hope.
Indeed I shouldn’t have stopped. I should have continued the dance of sex and dating and having fun. But something within me said no! I still don’t really know what it was, and somehow I know it precisely but I cannot put it into words: Something within me knows and somehow I trust in it. Now the hormonal voice rejects this inner command, yet my soul demands it. Be single for a while, and stay put in your tracks, until you’re ready.
Ready for what?
Lately I’ve started to feel stirrings within. Some days it is stronger than not. Believe me, the decision was a difficult one to make. For someone who has been more or less involved in relationships for twelve years without much time passing between when switching partners, and being used to the fun involved: the sex, the mutual enjoyment, the conversations and companionship, the better food and the new experiences. You always experience something new with each person you’re involved with and every single one brings something new and unforeseen into your life. Yes, the decision was hard, I’ve become used to being involved and I like it, even the partners which made me feel bad about myself where liked and even loved and sometimes missed. Well, maybe only missed for a few days after breakup, but still: I’ve accepted full responsibility like any knight should.
At this point I should remark that none involved where ever touched negatively
Thing is that these stirrings I’ve come to detect within me are quite something else. I have never felt like this before in my life. No longer do I miss being involved with someone and no longer do I miss having sex or wonderful cooking. I don’t miss it. Every time when my hormonal arguments wake up, I simply pick at random memories from any of my old relationships and throw it back into its face. My hormones immediately shut up!
Another part of this stirring is that somehow I know deep within my soul that a mate is coming along. I have only the faith behind this, some strange faith regarding life and contentment. Contentment that has something to do with the Everything and wellness as well as wholeness. The last few months of my solitary life has conditioned me to work with my inner self, face my inner demons or those of them I’ve had the courage to face and in some strange way I have become different than before. My spirit is quiter, my soul is happier, my body is healthier and on the whole I’m actually dreading that one day I’ll be involved again.
Dreading all the time which I’ll be spending with someone wonderful because I am so full of activity and joy spending time with myself and my four extraordinary dogs!