When I was nineteen years old I was already searching for God. I had asked numerous questions and followed every answer through. I did not know the path in front of me and fortunately so as I would probably have been dismayed.
One fine evening, very late as I was already in bed, I was reading some religious material and began thinking about prayers. I realized that most of the world relies on learned prayers and incantations with pre-prepared words and formed sentences.
Something made me question this and I tried formulating a personal prayer, as if God was in the room with me and could hear my thougths. I had talked to God before, but younger and in a more childish fashion. There is a learned discipline involved, learning to pray.
I didn’t realize it until years later how the Ego is illusionized in this process as with everything. Just like when you learn who you should be when growing up, you learn how you should pray and what prayers are. That destroys the sanctity of praying, as it removes the childish innocience required when opening up to God.
That night I realized the personal hesitation within. How when opening up to God you hesitate to pull him too close. When he draws to you there is a requirement that you let go of certain elements of your Ego. You must have the ability to receive his answer and consequently His Will.
I became shy and for twenty more years had to search different paths in order to understand the deep insight involved. One of the matters I have learned is that this hesitation of letting go is precisely the one hindrance between humanity and God.
