When I woke up I had a sad feeling inside.
I’m not new to such feeling. In fact I’ve used the intensity of this feeling to monitor the state of my depression every morning for the past eighteen months.
I stood there in my garden with my dogs on their morning business, feeling sad, more like crying inside. The feeling was more intense than usual. I was disappointed for feeling so intensely sad. For the past four months my depression has faded fast and my “positive driving energy” is spinning up again.
My disappointment was nasty. I felt like I was sliding back into depression and I felt that it shouldn’t. Especially since I discovered “The Process“. The methods I’ve been devising and testing there have been working successfully and I really didn’t need any downslide.
So I glanced at my watch and made a quick decision. I’ll go to a CoDA meeting.
Two hours later I’m sitting here at the computer console, typing away, no bad feeling inside. Actually I am experiencing joy.
I haven’t been to a CoDA meeting for six months and even before that I hadn’t been all that regular. As everyone knows the CoDA work is based on the twelve steps and I had used “The Process” instead. And The Process works fine for me. I especially enjoy The Process because it satisfies my need for creative development.
I also had woken up from a dream where I had dreamt a female who I have seen in meetings. Even if she would be a luring factor in driving me to a meeting, I know nothing would come of that since she is Lesbian and has no interest in a fascinating guy like me. Well she would – perhaps – be interested if I was a fascinating guy in a female body.
But I had dreamt here in the night and I felt the dream was giving me a message. I decided that the message was simply “go to a meeting” so to a meeting I went.
As I was leaving my house I had a pang of insight. Like a voice whispering to me that nothing good would come out of this trip, and that I would feel sorry for going. I sushed the feeling and on I went.
When I was driving to the meeting I reflected for a moment on that feeling of insight. I wondered if it was the little green devil. My insight might – sometimes – be warning me about something out of fear rather than true insight? Are the demons in our lives, who sometimes appear so innocent, simply our fears or shadows?
Can it be that as our inner light begins to grow, and our personality shines stronger that our shadow also grows? Or can it be that the shining light of my spirit, let’s say that it shines like one lightbulb today, becomes the shadow when my inner light becomes the light?